I'm deeply in debt to this hilarious website, without which I would never have had this idea. Visit them and laugh! Note: I know Almiles is not the director, so they would not really be giving directions, but it's funnier that way so that's how I'm doing it. Deal with it. Exile: The Abridged Script by Tigress35 FADE IN: EXT. METROPOLIS STREETS -- NIGHT
	ALMILES Okay, let's practice you tearing off your shirt again. TOM WELLING Can't I just be like, 'Ow, it hurts?' Who would keep tearing it off each time? ALMILES Shush, ex-model! We need something to distract from your bad acting. TOM WELLING People only love me for my body. ALMILES Yes. TOM WELLING Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. MAKEUP TRAILER -- DAY
	ALMILES Lex is a bald meteor victim. You must be hairless everywhere. MICHAEL ROSENBAUM No, you Lanafuckers! I hate shaving my chest! You can't make me! ALMILES Hold him down.
Two bosom enhanced blonde women hold him down. Michael ceases struggle. He watches in horror as a stripe of bare skin is revealed after the swipe of a razor. BABY OIL and BLISTERS are applied, and Michael is thrown out of the trailer onto the sand.
	ALMILES Act crazy! You're crazy! And bald! And your imaginary friend wants to lick you! CRAZY!
Michael flashes back to previous hair removal trauma. He uses it as motivation and puts on a facial expression he used for Adina from Sorority Boys and acts CRAZY.
	MICHAEL ROSENBAUM Can't you at least give me pants that fit? WARDROBE It's much funnier to watch a man trying to hold up his pants while he struggles to run in the sand.
CUT TO:
EXT. ISLAND -- DAY
	ALMILES We have boats and tourists and shit in the background. VISUAL FX TEAM We can fix it in post. Did you see Cast Away? We can make it look like Cast Away! They took out all that crap and made their own ocean. ALMILES Yes! More Visual FX!
They suddenly think of another idea.
	ALMILES (on cell phone) Can we get more glowy red on Tom Welling's chest? I want lots of glow! VISUAL FX TEAM MEMBER #1 (whispers to #2) Hey, it's gonna look like crap because Cast Away had, like, $50 million to spend on that. VISUAL FX TEAM MEMBER #2 Shh, you'll upset Almiles. That is bad. VISUAL FX TEAM MEMBER #1 Okay... but just remember to save some room in the budget to fix Michael Rosenbaum's pants in post, too. VISUAL FX TEAM MEMBER #2 Okay.
FADE OUT. THE END Back